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If you’re like me, your workplace has one of these:
Most people know it as a vending machine. You know the kind; push a button and it whirls around to show you a variety of food that’s too big for a normal dispenser and too susceptible to food poisoning to go without refrigeration.
I prefer to call it the Wheel of Death. (Apparently, so do others.)
What items are for sale in the ones here at the Tribune?
Let’s take a look, shall we?
Item: Pierre brand Buffalo Style Chicken Wings
Price: $2.50
Company Product Description: Generous 5 oz. serving of wings marinated with spicy seasonings - not too hot, not too mild. Spices are cooked in for just-right flavor. Fully cooked to stay juicy and tender.
Comment: Could this be a potential backdoor gateway for the asian bird flu pandemic in the U.S. That seems unlikely. We’re guessing this chicken wing product probably doesn’t have a shred of chicken in it.
Item: Jimmy Dean Super Stuff Sausage ‘N Gravy Filled Biscuit Breakfast Sandwich
Price: $1.25
Company Product Description: 4 oz. Jimmy Dean pork sausage in a classic Southern-style gravy.
Comment: I’ve been waiting for someone to package a food item for vending purposes that tasted like dog. I wait no longer.
Rebuttal: A quote from Robertson Vending manager Vern Ricker of Carbondale, Ill., found on Automatic Merchandiser Online: “Our most popular items are: Jimmy Deans, Biscuit & Sausage Twin; White Castle, Hamburger; Jimmy Dean, Grilled Chicken Breast; Red Baron,Pepperoni Pizza Deep Dish; Tony’s, Supreme Pizza; Pierre, Fish & Cheese; Pierre, Jumbo Bacon Cheeseburger. These are the best items according to our customers’ preferences. We sell many more items, but these are the top movers.”
Item: Pierre Big Az Fish and Cheese sandwich
Price: $1.25
Company Product Description: Catch the Wave! Giant-sized breaded 8-ounce fish patty topped with cheese and served on our World Famous microwaveable bun. Colorful packaging graphics encourage consumer trial.
Comment: If they freeze-dried Mrs. Paul and then ground her into a powder form and then formed the powder into a square-patty shape and then breaded and fried her remains and put it between a stale bun, it would taste more like real seafood than this does. This was wicked bad, my friend.
But thank God for the colorful packaging graphics. Especially the truth-in-advertising Big Az brand name. (No, we weren’t fooled into thinking it was an abbreviation for “Big Arizona.’‘)
We can only wonder about the product names they rejected… Wyd Lode? Cheekus Maximus? Hips Ahoy?
Item: Pierre Big Az Bubba Twins Chili Cheese Dogs
Price: $2.25
Company Product Description: Bubba Twins tips the scales with two FULL-SIZE sandwiches in one package! Twin hot dogs are topped with zesty chili and shredded cheese. Packaged in fun, colorful packaging and featuring a Double Money Back Guarantee.
Comment: Best machine-vended animal lips money can buy.
Got a product you want to suggest? Drop me a line at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Posted by Daylina Miller, Tampa, FL on 02/19 at 03:55 PM
hahaha…i love the easily amused.
What made you decide to do this? Trying to appease your boredom?
I’m terrified of vending machines.
Posted by bob, tampa on 01/13 at 04:54 PM
It sounds like you actually ate some of the stuff! I think I’d rather eat dog that some of that stuff…
I’m impressed! 
Posted by rebekah, Tampa on 01/12 at 03:52 PM
I would hate to see the nutrition info on that packaging!
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Posted by Steven Stultz, Columbus, Ohio on 03/17 at 05:10 PM
Just had a Big Az Fish at the Franklin County Hall of Justice in Columbus, O.
“Never again.”