Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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And Now, Your Moment Of Rachael

Posted Mar 26, 2006 by Jeff Houck

Updated Mar 26, 2006 at 11:29 AM

The long, brutal war is going into overdrive. It’s getting bloody out there on the battlefield.

Morale is low. The bodies are piling up. A new weapon is being unleashed. And unless you’re Oprah bin Laden or her lieutenant, Rachael Ray Zwahiri, it’s not safe to go out in the afternoon any longer - not if you’re a talk show host who’s about to get steamrolled by the bunker-buster-Food Network-turned-chat-star.

The New York Post has identified the first casualty of this god-forsaken war: Tony Danza.

It’s Danza’s last stanza

Danza’s show has been dogged by cancellation rumors for much of the season, fueled to a large degree by the announcement that Ch. 7 picked up a new daytime show hosted by Rachael Ray.



Damn you! Damn you to hell, you craven gods of TV sweeps! Was your thirst not slaked by Queen Latifah’s gabfest? Did your bloodlust not end with Tempestt Bledsoe’s show? Why, oh why, we beg to know, did you have to sacrifice your son Danza so that we may live in eternal chipmunk-cheek bliss with Rachael? Will this carnage ever end?

Your worship of false idol Rachael Ray shall doom you all. And then you will know the true measure of Nielsen retribution.

Mark our words. This aggression will not stand.

PREVIOUS MOMENTS OF RACHAEL
Gag me with a spoon.

Rachael is, like, bodacious.